stephen R Harrison

Our local church has had at least three new member classes this year as pathways for people to join in membership. Being a member of a local church is where and how we worship, pray, grow, give, serve, and fellowship with other believers face to face. We must assemble – gather – live for Christ with other brothers and sisters. The local church is the vehicle through which Jesus wants us to fulfill the Great Commission and Great Commandments. It is the family of God! I love it when people join wholeheartedly with our local church in gospel and disciple making efforts in our local community and around the world.

While people join the local church, they also leave it. It’s inevitable. Sometimes, it’s for good reasons. People move because of jobs. Students graduate to attend college. Deployments happen. Sometimes, it’s for bitter-sweet reasons. People die and go to heaven. Other times, people leave for bad reasons. I’ve had to ask people to leave for habitual and unrepentant sin after much grace to make steps towards obeying Scripture. Twice, I confronted predators of women and children and had them forcibly removed (one lawfully arrested). Understandably, people leave for spiritual reasons – perhaps they have come to believe something different doctrinally (orthodoxy) or even in practice (orthopraxy). I had a guy leave once because he no longer believed in the resurrection (real talk: he left the faith, not just the local church). I had another family who were convinced their view of practicing communion was in conflict with the way we practiced it so they sought out a church more in line with their conviction. Sadly, people also leave for wrong reasons. This is where I find most situations. People leave in anger, offense, even in hurt. 

Rarely have I had people sit and talk about why they are leaving the church when hurt, offended, or angry. Truth moment: stay in a church long enough, and everyone will experience hurt, offense, and anger. It’s how we deal with these that matters (the same is true in marriage and friendship). Even when there have been doctrine and practice differences, people tend to just stop showing up to the place and with the people they have worshipped with for years. They ghost you! I literally spent about twenty minutes thinking back through twenty-five years of ministry and could only count three instances where people asked to meet and discuss differences and pray through why they believed God was calling them to fellowship with a different local church. That’s rare. It shouldn’t be, but it is. I can most of the time remember how people started attending the church I pastor, but I can always remember how they left it.

To be honest, I’ve left the local church before. Once as a kid, following my parents as I was only three. My dad told me later in life he left that church where he was a deacon because they hired someone in known sexual sin. He confronted it and sought understanding with church leadership. I’m thankful he handled it in a righteous way. It was right to leave. Another time, I started attending another church occasionally with a friend and felt God at work in ways I had not previously experienced and was challenged to live out the Great Commission personally for the first time in my church attendance life. I went back and forth between churches for a few months all while talking with my pastor and even in front of my local church about it as I was voluntarily leading the worship there. I almost left my local church three times but talked with the pastor about it each time and found resolution to stay. I also left a church for doctrinal and disunity reasons I desperately attempted to resolve over about a two-year period to no avail. Many meetings. Much prayer. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever done in life and ministry (I still grieve that loss but have perfect peace with our ultimate decision).

As a pastor, it should hurt when people leave our local church. As a church member, it should hurt when we leave the local church. The loss of people (or a church) you’ve loved, served, and even shepherded should not be easy. I’ve mourned them all – even when I knew it was best they left. Some people are contentious – they will always find something wrong, have an enemy to fight, and can never be pleased – let them go. Some people are wolves – run them off! Some people are called to another church, but this isn’t done in a vacuum or in silence. I often say, “There’s a local church for everyone”. That’s true. Not every believer can fit in my local church. We need many, many more local churches (this is why I’m such a supporter of church planting and revitalization). Some people’s worship preferences are unlike mine, and that’s quite ok. Some may need a ministry expression in which another local church has specialized, such as grief, recovery, and even stage of life (single, young with kids, etc.). There is also room in Christianity for some secondary doctrinal differences. How churches treat baptism, the Lord’s Supper, and even spiritual gifts are valid reasons for choosing the right local church. To be super clear, if we disagree on the primary doctrinal issues (that Jesus resurrected, the existence of the Trinity, the deity of Christ, Jesus being the only way for salvation, salvation by grace through faith alone, etc.) that’s not a leaving the church issue – that’s leaving the faith altogether!

Where I believe it brings dishonor to one another as fellow brothers and sisters in the faith and even the Lord is when we leave the local church in ways Christ’s forgiveness, restoration, grace, Spirit, and Word address and solve. We are ultimately saying Christ’s Word, Spirit, and tools for building unity in the body of Christ don’t apply in my situation. When someone’s been at a church faithfully for a lengthy period of time and suddenly stops showing up, there’s most likely hurt, offense, or anger involved. Rarely, they are leaving the faith. Mostly, they’ve forgotten or are temporarily blinded to the beauty of the local church. It is right to pursue those who leave (that’s not just the pastor’s job). Loving elders/pastors will notice if people are gone too long and should reach out. To be fair, if people aren’t involved in community in faithful Sunday attendance, serving, Bible studies, small groups, prayer services, etc., church will be easy to leave. When I notice someone absent (and I hope I do sooner than later – we do have systems to prevent later, most are what I just mentioned in the previous sentence) I will usually send a text to say I’ve missed them, hopefully prompting a reply with something like “Yeah pastor, I need to talk. Can you meet?” If I don’t hear anything, I’ll give it a week and then give a phone call with a voice message asking for an appropriate time to connect. I want to hear what’s going on – what stopped fellowship. If I don’t hear back after that, I usually try again, but I can take a hint when people don’t want to reconcile. You can’t make people reconcile. Be at peace as much as depends on you (Romans 12:18). To be fair, I need to repent if I caused the hurt, offense, or frustration. I need to learn from it to prevent it in the future. I need to protect people as a shepherd if people are hurting them. I need to love that person well if they’ll let me. I need to be confronted when I’m wrong and be given chance to make it right. According to Matthew 18:15-17, believers have a pathway forward (multiple steps and attempts) to reconciliation with one another. This is good news! Jesus prayed for this in John 17 – for disciple to be one as He and His Father are one. The world is watching how we live out being the church and treat one another.

Hurt can deceive us and even leave us hopeless and in despair. It may feel pointless to address any concerns, especially if I’ve been experiencing that hurt for some time. That’s why we need close brothers and sisters who can hold us accountable when we stray, find ourselves in hurt, or are disobeying the Word. All of us can be deceived by Satan. It’s best to address hurt with other believers in the moment so the redemptive and healing work of the Spirit can begin and bring believers back into unity in the spirit of the bond of peace. Anger is sinful and should not be allowed to brew and grow into rage, slander, gossip, or malice. It does not produce the kind of righteousness God desires according to James 1:20. Bitterness will spring up and defile many if not cut off at the root (Hebrews 12:15). Offense can begin in the smallest of ways. It mostly happens when preferences are different. I had someone leave the church over the color of the walls. Another left because we didn’t do enough children’s ministry although we had it in every service, Wednesdays, Sunday nights, VBS, and summer camp. One person left because they said they got nothing out of my sermons. I asked, “Nothing? Even when I read Scripture?” “Nothing”, they replied. I’ve had people leave because I changed the service times, extended worship time, gave to an orphanage, used a particular version of the Bible, prayed for missionaries, discussed how Christians should consider voting in elections, and because they didn’t like an event our church held (we held a fall festival as a safe and Christ-centered alternative to traditional Halloween). And don’t get me started about COVID! I even had a person leave because we bought a widow a car (which I raised the funds outside of our normal giving). They didn’t want their giving going to that (full disclosure, our finance admin told me they hadn’t given in over a year). One time someone left because I wouldn’t baptize their raccoon. That’s a story for another day. People leave for all kinds of reasons. 

I have had people leave because of legitimate hurt from other church members – some of which I’m sad to say I added to at times. I’m imperfect, sinful, prideful, rash, and even harsh at times. Jesus help! Those are times I’ve sought forgiveness, restoration, and grace. I’m thankful when others held me accountable to do so and when the Spirit and the Word convicted me to do so. Sadly (and stubbornly), I didn’t realize and own up in time to make a way back for people to their local church. God forgive me! How foolish I’ve been at times! Other times, people have left because I confronted their sin. I always confront sexual sin immediately – no matter the kind. Many times, people have repented. Several times, people have patiently listened and sought to understand the Scriptures. Sometimes, people left, loving their sin more than Jesus and His church. I’m still praying for some. That should always break our hearts as it breaks His! I’ve approached people about returning to their church. I’ve asked people to pray about it. I’ve asked and been ignored. I’ve asked and people have graciously found their way back and restored to the church they love! What a win for the Kingdom! Other times, I avoided conflict where I should have confronted the smoke I knew would eventually burst into flames. Help me be loving, humble, yet bold. Help me not be a people pleasing pastor. Help me alway side with Scripture. Help me be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to listen.

I could write more about this, but my ultimate goal is to raise some questions, maybe speedbumps, before leaving the local church you felt at one time God had clearly called you to. Here goes.

• Have I prayed about it?
• Am I in sin?
• Am I in rebellion?
• Am I offended?
• Am I hurt?
• Am I angry?
• Am I making a move in haste or frustration?
• Do I love my preference more than the people?
• Am I being legalistic?
• Have I sought biblical counsel?
• Am I taking responsibility for my part in faithful church membership?
• Am I bringing solutions to what I think is missing or broken?
• Have I followed the steps of Matthew 18:15-17 for reconciliation with brothers and sisters in Christ?
• Do I need to forgive? 
• Have I given them opportunity to repent or even see my viewpoint?
• Do I need to extend grace?
• Am I willing to have open conversation with church leadership?
• Is the hurt too great to stay (i.e. abuse)?
• Am I willing to have a mediator help if necessary?
• Can I clearly communicate why I’m leaving? 
• Can I leave in peace? Can my church agree? 
• Have I been kind? Have I exhibited all the fruit of the Spirit?
• Am I taking undealt with offense, hurt, or anger to another local church? Is that fair?
• Am I leaving with “guns ablazin’” or “grace abounding”?
• Does my pastor know? How can they make right what they don’t know? How can our conversation help them learn from this experience or prevent it in the future? 
• Would I be comfortable with a new pastor calling and talking with my old pastor? 
• Can I see everyone in my former church at the grocery store and still consider them brothers and sisters or will I dodge them?
• Am I burning bridges or building them?
• Am I being consumeristic?
• Am I being stubborn or prideful?
• Am I making a mountain out of a mole hill?
• Have I let this grow in my heart and head too long without allowing anyone in my church help me through it?
• Can I peacefully and joyfully live with differences? What will I do when this arises in my new church?
• Can I truthfully in full disclosure say to a new pastor I did everything possible in my power to avoid leaving and seek reconciliation?
• Have I gossiped about it more than I’ve attempted reconciliation?
• Do I have biblical grounds to leave? (Maybe this is where we start???)

Jesus, help us! Spirit guide, convict, and lead. God get the glory.